Half Ed
by Sir Casearius of Cheese
Summary: I changed the title so that it would display properly on low-end mobile devices, it follows the story of the three Eds going to their temporary summer jobs at the Black Mesa research facility to assist Eli Vance and Isaac Kleiner in a teleportation experiment, of course, Murphy's Law was never a friend of theirs, and the experiment goes horribly, horribly awry.


**=Half-Ed, an Ed Edd n Eddy and Half Life fan fiction crossover presented by the theater of Frumentum=**

"Good day, and welcome to the theater of Fret, founded by Lord Frumentum III and succeeded by his cousin, Caes- Cesa- Serari- well, I just call him Cheese, but he's out today, after a mysterious anvil went through his window and broke his skull, so I shall be filling in for Cheese today. DON'T pull that trigger there, you in the blue, YES, YOU, I saw that Glock in your hand, no weapons in the theater, I'll take that, thank you."

A guy in a blue shirt grudgingly hands the man on stage a semi-automatic pistol.

Fret tosses the Glock into a pit of acid under a trap door.

"Right, as I must remind you, no weapons whatsoever are permitted in the theater, AND I SAW YOU BRING THAT CROWBAR IN, MISTER, DON'T THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT HALF-LIFE THAT YOU'RE ALLOWED TO DRAG REAL CROWBARS INTO MY THEATER, GIVE IT, GIVE IT!"

A frantic man hastily tosses Fret his crowbar, and Fret puts it into his pocket, somehow.

"Also, in this theater, we utilize a never-ending zero point energy void known as hammerspace to store any objects. Hammerspace has many portals, including pants pockets. Like in any theater, cellular telephones must be turned off, or if possible, brought outside for their conversation."

A quick clicking signaled that everyone had turned off their phones, or that they were deactivated by the theater's invisible Electromagnetic Pulse Shield.

"Vandalism will also not be tolerable, as this building is older than the soil it was built on. Let he who is without age cast the first egg," Fret said, and he was immediately hit in the face with a large brown egg. He looked in the crowd and saw Count Chocula. "I hate you... so much."

A giant sign planted itself right on top of Fret and crushed him.

A voice from above shouted, "Fixed the screen!"

"Thank you," said Fret's muffled voice.

Text appeared on the grainy screen, reading, "Let the show begin!"

The screen changed to black, and the camera swung in to symbolize a show beginning.

Complete blackness.

**"HALF ED,"** read the movie title caption (the A in Half-Ed replaced with a lambda, and the D a delta) as it faded in. it faded out.

The camera faded into the interior of a large cable tram about the size of a city bus. An orange caption flashed on screen "Location: New Mexico, 1984. Names: Ed Horace Underwood, Edd Marion Riley, Eddy Skipper McGee. Ages: All 15. Occupations: Ed and Edd- Test Chamber Operators. Eddy- Janitor. All temporary summer jobs" Two adolescents were dressed in white lab coats, while the third was dressed in a janitor's uniform, sitting in their seats. The latter with impatience in his eyes.

The adolescent had an Elvis-like haircut with three cowlicks consisting of only one hair sticking up, and he had blue eyes.

He turned his head to face a boy with a black beanie and green eyes. The boy he was looking at seemed excited at the time for something, and showed a smile with a gap in between his two front teeth. "What kind of summer job is this, Double D?" His jaw almost seemed unhinged whenever he spoke.

"Black Mesa is an excellent opportunity, Eddy, to begin our first steps into the magnificent land of science!" said the one known as Double D, or Edd.

"Yeah, bathroom science," Eddy muttered.

"Well for you-"

"It's not like you do anything better, plugging things in and pushing buttons, ooh, sciencey!" Eddy said sarcastically.

"Well, you know we can't do much at our age, but it is still a learning opportunity!" Edd said in his final answer.

_"...The current time is: 8:47,"_ said the artificial intelligence greeting system over the intercom.

"What's Ed doing, anyway?" said Eddy.

"Nothing much," said Edd, "Just manual labor, pushing carts, opening doors for scientists with their hands full, using heavy nonelectric machinery in the event of a power outage- that, for example."

The tram had stopped abruptly, apparently out of power. Ed, the other other adolescent, probably had some kind of jungle living in his hair, as it was ratty, and full of insects, including a cockroach that hopped off his head and skittered away, because he was running repeatedly into the tram wall, forcing it through the last couple of feet so that the door would be facing the catwalk onto which the three were supposed to depart.

The security guard watched in awe as Ed intervened, and eventually yanked the door open with his own bare hands.

"...I... could have opened that for you, you know," said the guard.

"Nah, we're good, thanks," said Eddy as he walked casually through the doorway. "We have an Ed."

Edd followed, covering his head so as not to impale himself on the broken glass.

"I'm sorry for the damages, how much, exactly, was that window?" said Edd.

"Oh, that thing? It doesn't matter, really, most of the stuff here is given to us by the government in crates the size of aircraft carriers," said the guard. "You're running a bit late, though."

"I can see that," said Edd. "forty-seven minutes late, to be exact, are we fired?"

"I don't know," the guard went up to a retina panel nearby and scanned his retinas (duh). A door nearby opened, and the three ran through, Ed hitting his head on the way in and taking a chunk out of the doorway. "That kid has a thick skull."

Edd walked up to the front desk, where a similarly dressed character sat staring at a computer with the blue screen of death over the screen. "Pardon me, we seem to be running late, there's no penalty for that, is there?"

"Just a second, Mr. Riley, we had a system crash earlier today and I'm still trying to get back my files," said the guard.

"Seems like one of those days, then, doesn't it?" said Edd while Eddy stealthily placed a "kick me" sign on his back. "You know, I don't think that you're supposed to sit around very long around a blue screen, does your computer have a reboot button?"

"Well, not exactly-"

"Is this it?" said Ed, who had somehow popped up right behind the guard and pushed a small red button. Alarms began blaring.

"Dammit, man, are you trying to get me in trouble?" said the guard.

"YAY! BUTTON!" Ed said happily.

"Come along, now, Ed," said Edd over at the door. "We don't want to be in more trouble than we already are."

"Wee!" said Ed even more happily as he followed Edd.

Eddy turned to the guard. "I'm supposed to be a janitor, which way to the broom closet?"

"Everything in the place but surface access is that-a-way," said the guard, pointing in the same direction as where Ed and Edd went.

"Thanks," said Eddy, and he went to work.

Ed and Edd walked through the hall and into a room with three tubes large enough to fit a man, there was a hazardous material suit in each tube, a lambda printed on each of the chest plates except, one of them was gone, and the helmet was missing from one.

"Well, Ed, I would advise that, in the event that you chose the one without the helmet at random that you would not thrust your head into any green material in the case that a radioactive chemical spilled and-"

"HAZMAT SUIT!" said Ed happily, and he rammed headfirst into the middle tube, the one with the suit sans helmet, and the suit AI began its long (somewhat enthusiastic) description of the suits features while Ed began fitting himself into it.

_"...Geiger counter activated, munition supply monitoring activated, heartbeat monitoring activated, automatic medical systems engaged..."_

Edd carefully took his suit out of the first tube and shoved his first foot into it in a similar style to the way he put on his pajamas, while Ed struggled to see with the top half of the suit in his eyes.

The camera changes to the view of a floor covered in a green chemical, a whirring mop that spun like a fan blade entered the view and left the floor spotless.

"First toothbrushes, now mops, what else are we going to make spin? Brooms? Scissors? ...Tampons?" Eddy contemplated as he used the strange spinning mop on the floor. "God, another thing that women would complain about."

An explosion of computer machinery nearby alerted Eddy and he ducked. "HIT THE DECK!"

"It's nothing, Mr. McGee, just a malfunction, go back to work," said one of the scientists quickly as he frantically ran to attend to the computer.

Eddy stood back up, slowly. "God, man, get that thing upgraded!" he revved the cable on the mop and continued speed cleaning, then he turned it off again. "How does this work without throwing this junk all over the place?"

The scientist shrugged after he was dismissed from the computer. "I didn't make it! I just work here part-time!"

Eddy snorted and continued mopping.

Ed and Edd walked into the hallway, Edd and Ed now fully dressed in their Hazardous Environment suits (the latter with a little help from Edd).

"Hiya sockhead! Didn't know I'd be seeing much of you today," Eddy said, waving.

"Well, here's an interesting idea, the scientists back there told us that this was supposed to be an experiment regarding teleportation!" Edd took a breath, he was visibly amazed. "Teleportation, Eddy! Something we could only imagine, and we may actually have found the method!" Edd shouted with glee.

"Yeah, yeah, big whoop, I bet you ten bucks this whole place is going to fall apart when it's working," Eddy chuckled.

Edd sighed, and headed down into the blast door area along with Ed. Eddy heard the voices of scientists instructing his friends about resonance cascades and specimens and other things of which he knew nothing. He heard the blast doors downstairs open up and saw Ed and Edd head into the gigantic chamber below.

The chamber had an orange tinge to it, there were three white oval-shaped emitters attached to a much larger black emitter with a crater in the ground which was symmetrical to the emitter. There was a small cube-shaped chamber-within-a-chamber in the middle of a wall straight across from a ledge with a control panel which was accessed via a ladder. This ledge was to the right of the blast door.

Edd walked into the chamber after the disturbing and rather pointless description of the possible outcome of the test.

_"Mr. Riley, why don't you just stand by that panel over there?"_ said one of the scientists from the upper level of the observation room. He was gesturing toward the ledge with the control panel.

"Yes, sir!" said Edd happily, he walked over to the ladder leading over to the ledge and began climbing with visible difficulty.

_"Ed, could you go over to that elevator over there while your friend is climbing, so as to place the specimen into the teleporter more efficiently?"_ said the same scientist, pointing over to the tiny cube-shaped chamber-within-a-chamber.

Ed said nothing, as the hazard suits collar seemed to be crushing his larynx, so he just nodded and walked in the general direction of where the scientist was pointing.

Edd had reached the top of the ladder and headed over to the panel.

_"Wait-"_

_"What is that?"_ asked one of the scientists over the intercom.

_"Oh, it's probably nothing, here, Eddward,"_ the glass cover on the largest button on the panel automatically flipped up to reveal the switch. _"Push the button and start up the teleporter."_

Edd pushed said button, which made a satisfying beeping noise, and the teleporters three power cores began to extend and orbit the ceiling emitter on a thin, circular rail.

"Activating phase one emitter," said the scientist from earlier. A beam shot from the ceiling emitter into the receiver on the ground.

Eddy watched this as he cleaned the floor, and said, "Pew!" in imitation of a phaser.

The scientist looked at Eddy and rolled his eyes at him, then he continued. "Activating phase two emitters."

A beam went into the receptacle from each of the three egg-shaped apparatuses.

"Pit-choo!" Eddy shouted, again imitating a phaser.

"Would you stop that, please?" said the scientist. "This test is critical and requires great concentration."

"Fine, then, killjoy," Eddy continued "mopping".

"My _name_ is _Isaac_," the scientist muttered, and turned the microphone back on. "All right, Ed, the samples here, go ahead and shlomp it into the beam."

Ed made a "thumbs up" sign and waited for the doors to open to the elevator which the cube-shaped chamber in the middle-center of the room contained. When the doors opened, Ed saw an amber crystal sitting in a metal carriage. Ed took this carriage and strolled along the walkway without a care in the world, bringing the crystal into the ominous green ray beam. Halfway along the walkway, Eli, another one of the scientists, began speaking to Isaac.

_"What is he doing?"_ Eli asked.

_"Ignore us, Ed, continue working,"_ Isaac switched off the microphone.

Ed went back to putting the cart into the beams path, moving along the walkway until it was in between the two clamps that automatically closed around it.

There was a small explosion in the center of the beam, which evolved into an electric mass that took large chunks from the circular wall of the test chamber.

_"Shut it down, shut it down!"_ shouted Eli, the microphone must have been turned back on.

"It's not- it's not shutting down-" muttered a worried scientist.

_"Break the damn thing!"_ came Eddy's voice.

_"You stay out of this-"_ Isaac was cut off when the electricity crippled the speaker.

Edd was absolutely terrified at this point, he clung to the railing of his ledge for dear life, but his grip was weak, and he, along with Ed, flew into the teleporters electromagnetic field. He screamed in horror, but his helmet muffled his voice.

Ed woke up in an entirely different world, large, cockroach-like beings waddled along this world with their two front legs held high above their main bodies as they walked. Scientifically impossible-looking structures- plants, possibly- towered above this strange land, where the shining, cracked terrain felt like it was breathing, and the rivers made Ed feel as if he was rejuvenated. All he could think, though, was, "ALIENS! COOL!"

Edd, however, saw none of this, as far as he knew, he was in a black void, his fingers fumbled for his HEV suits flashlight setting, but as he looked up, he came to a dead stop. "Good lord..."

A group of four entities, standing upright in a patch of light. Possibly the only patch of light in the strange dimension he seemed to have entered.

The entities were glowing, mostly purple with light and dark purple speckles on their bodies and metal collars on their necks. There was one large red eye in the center of each of their heads, and as Edd approached them, several smaller eyes on each side of the main one. They only had two fingers on each of their long, slender arms, and there was a third arm in the center of their bodies, also with two fingers. Their legs were angled like those of a horse, and their feet seemed to also be like horse hooves. The entities seemed harmless, so Edd approached them until all of them were looking at him. The entities were chanting something, like they were cultists of a sort, Edd backed away, then began running into the void.

Ed and Edd saw a flash, and they were back in the test chamber.

Correction, what was left of it.

**-END CHAPTER-**

**Now, I was away at camp when I wrote this chapter, so the dialogue may not quite be so accurate, but as a cover-up, they would probably be omitting some of their speech so as not to confuse the young Eds. I hope I did well, please tell me everything I did wrong in the reviews, and I'll get back to you.**

**-Frumentum**


End file.
